I like reading parenting books occasionally. there’s no way I can remember, retain, apply every single thing I read, but I try to take a few insights or practical applications from each one. I had heard good things about this one, and I ended up loving it. This was the most notes I’ve ever taken on a parenting book. I’m just going to share the notes I took here, because I know sometimes it can be hard as a parent to make time to read books like this. So hopefully these notes will be helpful to someone who’d like to read it but doesn’t have the time/access to it.
The way I take notes on books is to just write one sentence summaries of things that stood out to me. This is not an analysis of the book, just snippets I wanted to remember. If any of this resonates, I highly recommend reading the book! There is so much more good information than what I’ve shared here. Keep reading for my takeaways from The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson.
Notes on The Self-Driven Child
The Importance of Having a Sense of Control
Kids need a sense of control (and to make meaningful decisions) for their mental health
A low sense of control is one of the most stress-inducing things in the universe
We should let kids do what they can for themselves. Even if it makes us late, makes a mess, etc.
Help them feel they are in charge of their own lives.
We want kids to feel they can take on life
Our role is to teach them to think and act independently
Kids are more likely to reach their full potential if the know they don’t HAVE to do something
Be clear to them that their lives are their own. They are not yours.
“You’re clearly bright enough to do this. Is it consistent with your highest values and healthy for your long term development?”
Express why it’s important, then allow freedom for them to decide how they accomplish it
Helping Kids Manage Stress
Being a non-anxious presence is one of the best things you can do for your kids
One of the best things you can do to be an effective parent is to learn to manage your own stress
Positive/tolerable stress is good
Don’t make decisions solely out of fear
Schedule a short time every day to worry about your kids
What calms you down, and how can you do more of it?
Epigenetics = the way experience effects genes. Stress is contagious. Secondhand Stress can turn anxiety genes “on”
Calm is also contagious!
Be a calming presence when helping them with homework, teaching them
Treating anxiety as a parent: Cognitive behavioral therapy, meditate, yoga, exercise regularly.
Conditioning the brain to cope —> reslilence
Executive control system of the brain- prefrontal cortex. How much our pfc perceives us to be in control
Dopamine is the key to drive and a strong sense of identity
Being too tired and too stressed for too long is a formula for anxiety and depression
Help your kids increase stress tolerance
Learn to throw off stress instead of accumulate it
Model stress awareness for adolescents
Rotter scale test for adults
For kids: Steven mowing and Bonnie strykland’s scale
Kids who meditate 10-15 min/Day will experience significantly less stress and anxiety. Sleep better, more creativity, more healthy, higher self esteem, do better in school
Teach that meditation is a tool, a part of daily routine
Sleep deprivation is a form of chronic stress
It’s much easier to get a good nights sleep after laughing and relaxing
The more pressure you feel, the less working memory you have available
What kind of brain do you want? Stressed, tired, anxious. No. Powerful, happy, resilient
Nurturing Internal Motivation
“I love you too much to fight with you about your homework” don’t send the message that you know what’s right for them, and they don’t. This squashes their internal motivation
Seek to help them find things they love and develop their inner motivation
Nurture your child’s own drive!
Trying to force them to do things wastes energy you could be using to build them up in other ways
“I have confidence in your ability to learn from your mistakes.”
Discipline the same thing won’t work every time
The best way to motivate them is to support their sense of control
Most development of children’s brains will just happen with time
After weighing pros and cons, let them decide
Negotiate – let them know when they make a good point. We want them to learn to advocate for themselves. If they’re not able to “win” with their parents, he’s going to internalize that message. They need to know they have a voice. A well thought out argument is a worthwhile pursuit
It is remarkably healing for kids to have one on one time with their parents
Rewards for grades etc and other external motivators don’t help kids develop drive
Help them develop a growth mindset! Develops internal motivation
Support autonomy! Find where their natural motivation lies. What makes you feel truly happy?
Praise effort
Encourage them to spend time on things they love
Competence is about us feeling like we can handle something. An internal barometer of accomplishment
Working hard at getting better at something is good for your brain
Be more concerned about their development as students and people than their grades
You are more likely to have insights in the mind wandering mode than the task focused mode. Take rest seriously
More Reviews
If you liked this review of The Self-Driven Child by William Stixrud and Ned Johnson, you can read more reviews here. You can find your own copy of this book here.
